I'm here.

You guys, I'm terrible at keeping this thing updated. I wish my first post back would be "I'm still doing awesome with my weight loss," but sadly that's not the case. Honestly, I'm really struggling with it. I mean REALLY struggling. Obviously you can see that because it's been basically a year since my last real update. I'm sorry about that.

I told you all from the beginning I would be very truthful & candid in my posts here. I said I would blog through the good, the bad, & the ugly. Well, I'm here to blog about the ugly in hopes that this will jump start me back on the right path. Soooo, here we go.

I was flying high after the 5k I did last summer, and I wanted to keep up the momentum. I didn't... I started off with the best of intentions to keep up with my walking. As most of you know, I'm incredibly heavy so, right now, walking in the best exercise for me and it worked. Hell, I lost 80 lbs just from eating right and walking.

As summer faded and fall came, I started to slack more and more. I wasn't walking anymore, but for awhile I was doing a half-assed job with tracking my food intake and eating clean. Then Thanksgiving hit, then Christmas, then New Years.... You get the picture. Well, here I am, in a situation I am not happy with. It's now March 11th and I've gained quite a bit back of the weight I lost. It's been a few weeks since I weighed myself, but last weigh in my total loss was down to 50 lbs from 80. So basically between Thanksgiving and now I gained 30 lbs. I know how it happened. Boy do I know how it happened. I'm more upset with myself that I even let it happen.

I'm really trying not to be so hard on myself because that really gets me nowhere. I've been telling myself over the last two weeks that I would get back on track, but I haven't been able to find the drive or motivation. In all honesty, I've not been eating my meals like I'm supposed to. I've been going to work without my lunch, and then basically binge eating when I get home. Add in the fact that, since January I've had the most fast food I've eaten in over a year, and you can see my troubles. It's terrible and I feel terrible. My clothes are getting tighter, and I just feel like crap.

All I've really wanted to do lately is sleep. I know part of this is from how I've been eating. My body feels sluggish and I can feel the negative changes from my recent terrible food habits. I do have issues with depression, which I feel is just adding to the mess. There's a lot of changes happening in my life right now that are making me feel unbalanced. I don't do too well with change. But, life isn't always easy and I need to get back on track.

I think the hardest thing has been, not only letting myself down but, letting you guys down. I have received some of the most amazing messages from you guys. Some of you have even gone as far as to say I inspire you. You have no idea how much that means to me. So right now I am going to remember the lovely things you all have told me, along with the clothes that are getting tighter and tighter by the day, to get back on track. Thursday is payday and I'll be doing my food planning & grocery shopping. I also need to start walking again. I'll be excited once it gets warmer out so I can go back to Blackwell and do my walks there. But until then, I may need to suck it up and get a gym membership. I found one close to home that is $10 a month and it has all I need. I mean, I can't just walk anyway.. I do need access to some weights. So we will see. Either way, I need to get back to eating clean and walking.

So thank you to those who have stuck around with me while my fitness train went off course a bit. Hopefully I'll be having some good updates coming soon. Thank you all again and let's do this!