Monday, March 31, 2014

I have a case of the Mondays...

Monday.. I don't like you. It feels like my whole weekend just flew right by. The plus is, this time next week I'll be packing for my road trip to Texas. We leave next Tuesday night.

I'm sick of saying I'll "get back on the right path," only to fall off a few days later. That is essentially what I have been saying, and what has been happening for the past month or so. I'm not sure where or why I lost my motivation, but I don't like the changes I am seeing. I can feel the weight gain in my body, I can see it in my face.. I don't like it. My knees and back ache, it's just not good.

I weighed in yesterday and, miraculously, I was down a pound. That was the first loss I have had in quite some time. After I weighed in, I went to Blackwell with Michelle & her hubby Hicham. We walked Mt. Hoy, which showed me just how out of shape I am, and we did the trails. It felt good to be out and walking again. My feet weren't as bad as they were the other day when I decided to attempt a three mile walk after not walking since last year. Yeahhhh, that was stupid. Actually, I wasn't really attempting 3 miles or anything, but I pushed myself further than I should have. With how my feet felt, I honestly should have turned around and headed back home after 30 minutes. The issue is, I am really hard on myself. So rather than starting slow again, I talked myself into going further. At one point, I could literally feel the blisters forming on the bottoms of my feet. By then, I was already pretty far from home. When I finally got home, after taking a shortcut because my feet hurt so bad, I had blisters. I've noticed that I have more trouble walking on pavement and really flat surfaces than I do when I walk trails and grass. Also, I am in desperate need of a new pair of shoes.

After our walk, we went and had a late lunch, and then did our grocery shopping. When I got home, I put my groceries away and baked the chicken for the week. While I did pretty well at lunch, the evening wasn't as good. I really need to get my binges under control. I see why I do it now, which is a start. I really need to get back in the habit of portioning everything out. I've held off on doing the because I don't exactly have tons of room to put all this stuff, but if I have to actually think about what I'm going to eat, I'll just say "screw it" and then that makes an issue. Soooo tonight I'm going to get some small baggies and portion out a weeks worth of snacks. That way I'm not guessing and I can only eat what's in the bag.

One thing I am really hoping for is that Texas will be a reset button for me. I really need this trip. I need to get away for a bit, clear my head, and hopefully come home ready to get my butt back in gear.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Day 2

So today is day 2 for me of being back on track. Last night I had a little hiccup, but it wasn't anything crazy like it has been. I went over my allotted calories for the day, but I'm okay with that. And it wasn't a horrible snack either, so we're all good.

This morning I had steel cut oats with some cinnamon. My first snack of the day was a couple pieces of dried pineapple and some raw almonds. I had my breakfast at about 8:30 and had my first snack at about 11. By the time I was able to have lunch (about 12:45) I was really hungry. For my lunch I had a boneless/skinless chicken breast, half of a green bell pepper, & steamed carrots/broccoli/cauliflower. Around 3 I plan to have my second snack of the day, which will be a protein bar.For dinner I'm making brown rice, mixed with stewed tomatoes & other veggies. After dinner I have about 500 calories left over, which is good because there's a Blackhawks game on tonight & I'm sure I'll want a little snack while watching.

I'm proud of myself because I've been getting my water in, which was never really an issue anyway because I LOVE water, but lately it's seemed like more of a chore. The one thing I am noticing is that I have to re-learn when I'm really hungry, thirsty, or just bored. I almost had that down to a science before I, as my friend put it, hit a giant pothole in my journey. So I'm back at square one again.

I also feel kind of bad because my parents likely think I'm being anti-social. I went upstairs pretty early last night, mainly because I needed to be as far away from the kitchen as I could be. It's not that I didn't want to hang out with them, I'm just having troubles keeping myself away from the yummy food that is in the kitchen. And while I don't buy anything TOO tempting for myself, the donuts my parents bought looked particularly appetizing last night. So I did the best thing for myself, which was walking away.

Tonight will be a real test though because I usually watch the Blackhawks game with my mom downstairs. Like I said though, at least I have some calories left over to have myself a nice little snack, so hopefully I won't be doing anything too crazy being close to the kitchen. Whatever I do decided to snack on, I'll have to portion out so I don't go crazy during the game.

So that's basically what's up with me today. I'm just taking it one day at a time. :)

Monday, March 17, 2014

Getting back on track

Happy St. Patrick's Day & happy Monday!

Let's play catch up! I have a lot I want to post here so you all know what's been going on in my life. Sooooo, here we go.

So today is the first day of me REALLY getting back on track. I did my grocery shopping last night and prepared my food for today. I also weighed myself this morning for the first time in a few weeks. Yup, I gained 30 lbs between Thanksgiving and now. So that brings my total weight loss to 50 lbs. I was at 80, but I refuse to beat myself up over this because I know what I need to do to get back on track. Thankfully I have an amazing support system behind me, and several of my biggest supporters are amazing friends & family who are also on a journey to get healthy.

For the first time in almost three years I am going to visit my friends in Texas. I leave in 22 days, and I am SO excited. I'm driving down with Michelle and her hubby Hicham. We'll be leaving on April 8th, and will be driving to Fort Smith, Arkansas to spend a day with Michelle's Uncle Brian. I know that is going to be a blast because Uncle B isn't called "Party Bus" for nothin! So we'll be spending Wednesday the 9th with Uncle B and then the morning of the 10th we'll be heading out to Sherman, TX to see our Texas friends! We'll be in Sherman the rest of our trip, and will hopefully be taking a day trip down to Dallas to have some fun & do some shopping. Yeah buddy!  

Michelle and I used to go down to Texas twice a year to see our best friend Kimie. The last time we were there was for Kim & Kyle's wedding. After that, we made several attempts to go down there, but something always came up and we had to cancel. So I am SUPER stoked that we are finally going. I think this is just the trip I need to reset my mind. There is just something about Texas that usually helps me do just that! Plus, it's going to be nice and warm down there! It will be nice to get away from the cold & yuck that has been Chicago this winter. I'm really looking forward to living in sundresses and sandals while I'm down there. I can't wait!

One thing I've really wanted to share is the issue I've been having with binge eating. I could do so well all day, then I get home and just go crazy. This is something I really have to get under wraps. I feel like lately it's been brought on by stress/feeling unbalanced. I won't even lie to you, I love food. But it's the unhealthy stalker kind of love. I'm an emotional eater. When I get upset about something, I eat. If there's nothing that strikes my fancy at home, I will hop in the car and go to McDonald's, Burger King, or Dunkin Donuts. I've found myself doing this a lot lately. Like I said in my previous post, I've had more fast food since the beginning of the year than I have in a LONG time. I find that I cave & go get fast food when I'm having a hard time dealing with things. Lately, I've had a lot to deal with. There are a lot of changes happening over the next 4 months in my life, add my anxiety issues lately and you have this lovely ball of mess that is me. It's been a lot to deal with. So I'm currently trying to take things one day at a time and remember that there is only so much I can control. For a control freak like me, that is a hard lesson to learn.

What do you guys do when you find yourself emotionally eating? What are your plans for success this week?

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

I'm here.

You guys, I'm terrible at keeping this thing updated. I wish my first post back would be "I'm still doing awesome with my weight loss," but sadly that's not the case. Honestly, I'm really struggling with it. I mean REALLY struggling. Obviously you can see that because it's been basically a year since my last real update. I'm sorry about that.

I told you all from the beginning I would be very truthful & candid in my posts here. I said I would blog through the good, the bad, & the ugly. Well, I'm here to blog about the ugly in hopes that this will jump start me back on the right path. Soooo, here we go.

I was flying high after the 5k I did last summer, and I wanted to keep up the momentum. I didn't... I started off with the best of intentions to keep up with my walking. As most of you know, I'm incredibly heavy so, right now, walking in the best exercise for me and it worked. Hell, I lost 80 lbs just from eating right and walking.

As summer faded and fall came, I started to slack more and more. I wasn't walking anymore, but for awhile I was doing a half-assed job with tracking my food intake and eating clean. Then Thanksgiving hit, then Christmas, then New Years.... You get the picture. Well, here I am, in a situation I am not happy with. It's now March 11th and I've gained quite a bit back of the weight I lost. It's been a few weeks since I weighed myself, but last weigh in my total loss was down to 50 lbs from 80. So basically between Thanksgiving and now I gained 30 lbs. I know how it happened. Boy do I know how it happened. I'm more upset with myself that I even let it happen.

I'm really trying not to be so hard on myself because that really gets me nowhere. I've been telling myself over the last two weeks that I would get back on track, but I haven't been able to find the drive or motivation. In all honesty, I've not been eating my meals like I'm supposed to. I've been going to work without my lunch, and then basically binge eating when I get home. Add in the fact that, since January I've had the most fast food I've eaten in over a year, and you can see my troubles. It's terrible and I feel terrible. My clothes are getting tighter, and I just feel like crap.

All I've really wanted to do lately is sleep. I know part of this is from how I've been eating. My body feels sluggish and I can feel the negative changes from my recent terrible food habits. I do have issues with depression, which I feel is just adding to the mess. There's a lot of changes happening in my life right now that are making me feel unbalanced. I don't do too well with change. But, life isn't always easy and I need to get back on track.

I think the hardest thing has been, not only letting myself down but, letting you guys down. I have received some of the most amazing messages from you guys. Some of you have even gone as far as to say I inspire you. You have no idea how much that means to me. So right now I am going to remember the lovely things you all have told me, along with the clothes that are getting tighter and tighter by the day, to get back on track. Thursday is payday and I'll be doing my food planning & grocery shopping. I also need to start walking again. I'll be excited once it gets warmer out so I can go back to Blackwell and do my walks there. But until then, I may need to suck it up and get a gym membership. I found one close to home that is $10 a month and it has all I need. I mean, I can't just walk anyway.. I do need access to some weights. So we will see. Either way, I need to get back to eating clean and walking.

So thank you to those who have stuck around with me while my fitness train went off course a bit. Hopefully I'll be having some good updates coming soon. Thank you all again and let's do this!